The Comedy of Eros
by Myske
Summary: Hermione is sent back to the land of the living to find her true love after having accidentally died in the final battle. But all is not as it appears, mishief is afoot. Rated M for later... perhaps...
1. Chapter 1

**The Comedy of Eros**

_Curtains_

Dead to the world; that's what she was. Hermione Granger floated away from her pain ravaged body. Looking down at it, she waved a pitiful goodbye and waited.

"Death is the next great adventure," that's what Dumbledore always said wasn't it? So she waited ... and waited ... then she proceeded to wait some more; Hermione Granger was nothing if not patient – well, she was dead, time, she supposed, was really inconsequential to her.

What appeared to be a long time for Hermione had passed, she had stopped looking for the bright light and she had stopped anxiously picking up her feet to see if a fiery chasm was opening beneath them, she had even stopped drifting higher away from her body. She just floated still in the air, suspended above her mortal form wondering, now, whether her fate was to become one of the denizens who roamed the castle. She didn't think that she had any unfinished business or a Hornby to lust after; in short, she couldn't think of any reason why she was still there, just waiting uselessly in the mortal plane.

After another considerable period of time had passed and Hermione had followed her body to the infirmary, she saw a glimpse of that white light that she had been waiting for. She had expected a retina-detaching brightness, so the dull ghostly glow of what appeared to be just a man left her somewhat deflated. The glowing stranger continued its casual stride towards her; he stopped before her and cupped her cheek with his palm.

"Hermione Granger," Hermione nodded and fought the urge to roll her eyes at the tone of his voice. The man looked pensive. "Do you know who I am?" Hermione shook her head. The man opened his mouth, about to say something and then closed it again. He walked around her in a slow circle, looking her up and down.

"Who are you?" Hermione squeaked. The man dismissed her question.

"I don't think you belong here."

"Well, I suppose I'm waiting for someone to take me away I suppose. I think I'm dead," she made a lame gesture towards her prone body, which someone had covered with a white cloth. The man gave her a long look before a smile appeared on his face. Not really knowing what to do, Hermione smiled back at him.

"Unfinished business."

"What?"

"That's why I'm going to send you back today, Hermione Granger, because of your unfinished business," he waggled his eyebrows in a persuading way but Hermione was quite perplexed. "Don't you think that being killed because the o-so-great-Hermione Granger, in the heat of battle, was unable to tell her left from her right is quite rotten luck?" Hermione slowly nodded.

"You know, if somebody hadn't yelled 'right!' and made me turn around, I probably wouldn't be in ... well, in that state." She pointed at her body.

"And that's why you have unfinished business!"

"What kind of unfinished business? You know, if it's the Elfish welfare stuff, I'm done with that right? The Hogwarts Elves were really quite mad with me last time, they made me take an oath about them, and you know, it's quite pointless if I strive for rights for Elfish kind and leave them out; it's discrimination and I won't stand for that!" Hermione made to continue but the stranger covered her mouth with his hand.

"True love," he said softly, "it's always true love. Well, true love is one of the 'unfinished business' features, there are others, but I think in this case, 'true love' is as good as any reason to send you back." Hermione tried not to scoff and failed. The stranger fixed her with a stern look. "Seven days, Hermione, that's all you have to find your true love, otherwise I'm afraid you'll have to come with me. Agreed?"

"How will I even know if I've found my 'true love'?"

"Oh, there are ways of telling ... I'll give you some h-elf, I mean, help, so don't you worry. But, seven days, that's the deal, agreed?" the stranger held out his hand and Hermione took it and shook it once. The stranger started to laugh. Hermione didn't find it alarming so she added her own nervous laughter to his. "Enjoy the ride. Twinkle!" he said as she felt her navel being pulled roughly toward the back of her spine. Hermione gasped for breath but it would not come and as quick as it came on it stopped and she found herself in darkness.

Meanwhile, the stranger turned and waved at a distant winged figure who was fast approaching.

"About time you turned up," he grinned. "I've sent her on with instructions, you're too late."

"She's not meant for you," the winged man raged.

"Well, you should have flown faster," the stranger laughed and in a puff of smoke he disappeared.

* * *

A/N: This is a completely crazy, parody-esque romp and most importantly a WIP, I promise I will update when I can ... I may even be powered by reviews... who knows :D

Please take the time to R and R, gorgeous people!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi Everyone, I think I'm going to tweak this story a bit.. but, here's an update at long last.

* * *

**The Comedy of Eros**

_Lights_

Hermione's consciousness was sucked back into her body with dizzying speed, once all her corners were once more filled out she gasped for air and pulled away the linen cloth that had covered her face. She grimaced against all the screaming that she knew was directed at her. Before she could readjust to her surroundings she was smothered by two pairs of arms and deafened by their ejaculations of her name.

She thought about pushing off the two oafs, but then thought better of it. She took pity on them, after all they had just thought that they'd lost one of their best friends in the final battle for Hogwarts. She wouldn't want to seem ungrateful. Eventually, Harry and Ron released her and studied her face with their hands in great detail, she rolled her eyes, and they smiled. The old Hermione was back.

"How are you feeling, Hermione?" They both spoke at once, and for a moment it felt just like old times, where they would be so in sync with each other.

"I'm fine," she replied, brushing away their tears with the pads of her thumbs. The boys nodded, knowing that their concern was well received but unnecessary.

Slowly, Hermione drew Harry towards her and in his dazed state he let her. She kissed him on the mouth before his brain connected the dots and worked out what was happening. He spluttered but he stayed where he was not wanting to hurt his best friend's feelings. Ron went to give them some privacy but Hermione gripped the front of his shirt and would not release him.

After a few moments she released Harry and drew Ron towards her. The redhead eyed both his friends in his confused way but he kissed Hermione with enthusiasm and tangled his hands into the hair at the nape of her neck. After a moment, it was Hermione who was pushing Ron away, laughing slightly.

The two boys looked at her quizzically, waiting for an answer.

"Just checking," she replied, shuffling in the bed and trying to get out. Hermione was well aware that she only had seven days and a great number of boys and men to work her way through before her time was up. "Um, I need to go now, I've got a few things to get sorted." The boys didn't let her go her own way though.

"There' s a lot of people who need our help, Hermione, we should go get them first." Harry looked at her earnestly and she nodded. She couldn't really justify her need to go back to the half destroyed Gryffindor common room to draw up a schedule of men to kiss.

"We're all going to talk about this kissing business later though," Ron said as they headed out into the carnage.

The trio made their way from the infirmary to the Great Hall, helping people as best as they could. Not all the people who they met along the way were fighting with the Order, there were a small number of Slytherins with death eater masks shoddily concealed under cloaks. However, the battle was done and the trio did not discriminate.

When they made it into the final corridor leading in to the Great Hall they spotted Gregory Crabbe lying awkwardly against the door. Just beyond the door they could see the Weasley's crowding around a small group of bodies. Harry and Ron rushed in and Hermione lingered at the door. She bent over and reached out two fingers to check whether Gregory was alive and started when he lurched forward at her.

She pushed him back into the wall into a seated position before she checked him over. He had no major injuries, just bruises and a few small abrasions.

"Please don't hurt me, Granger," he choked out.

"Greg, I would never dream of such a thing," he huffed out a laugh before he was coughing and spluttering again. "Hold still," Hermione whispered into his ear. She readjusted herself so that she was sitting directly in front of him and leaned in to kiss him. Gregory didn't resist, he didn't have the fight in him, but Hermione was pulled away after a moment by Ron and Harry who were looking at her as if she had turned purple and sprouted extra limbs.

"What on earth are you doing, Hermione?!" She shrugged as Ron pulled her into the Great Hall and Harry left with Crabbe levitating behind him and two more sleeping bodies.

Once Harry got back they continued to survey the damage and take the injured to the burgeoning infirmary. Hermione snuck in a few more kisses, mostly to strangers but eventually stopped because Ron and Harry started keeping their eyes and arms and bodies very close to hers.

While they worked away into the night, Hermione began to despair. She had thought that they boys' vigilance would eventually wane, but she got no such luck, nor did they tire. She had planned to sneak into the infirmary later that night and kiss as many of the men there as possible but there was no way she could do it with her two friends eyeing her suspiciously.

Finally at around two in the morning the trio, along with any other students who were still up were escorted back into their dormitories by their heads of house and told to sleep in the common rooms rather than in their own bedrooms. It wasn't going to be a restful night's sleep, but at least the students had each other's comfort; that was the most important thing.

"So what's with the kissing, Hermione?" Both boys cornered her once she had settled near the portrait hole.

* * *

A/N: as always I hope you have enjoyed this, please R and R :D


End file.
